The Gulasian Princess

The Mythical Account of the Coronation of the First Gulasian Princess

    It was the birthday of the emperor of Gulasia - the country where lots of wealthy and healthy Gulasians live - and the royal family had invited the townspeople at the emperor's annual birthday buffet - where the emperor used to spend some of the money he'd taken from his people in the name of taxation - to eat and drink all night long after which they used to worship their pagan deities - one who looked like a giant goat and the other represented an anthropomorphic dog - by sacrificing the prettiest girl of the country for their highest and the most powerful god i.e. Shams, the god of lust and fertility. He was a hermaphrodite so he could symbolize both lust (the male element) and fertility (the female contribution).

    The story begins with the emperor's sixtieth birthday. It was also the twentieth anniversary of the mighty monarch's coronation when he defeated his father after a fearsome and wearisome battle - fearsome because many people were killed and wearisome because it stretched for ten months - as a result of which the previous emperor abdicated the throne in favor of his son, renounced the world and moved into the forests to search for the Higher Truth or some other shit. The emperor then took his father's wives and concubines (excluding the slave-girl who gave birth to him because incest is still out of this genre's league) as his consorts and fathered ten children two of which were boys. The firstborn resembled his grandfather while the younger son grew up to be his father's xerox. It was their duty to oversee the entire operation of searching for the most beautiful and sexually attractive virgin in the country of Gulasia.

    The Gulasians believed that the name of their race means "The Flower of Asia". Their men were fierce and seldom below six feet tall. Their women were heavily-built and prone to violence so it was a difficult task to find a girl with a slim waist and lady-like features. But again it was one of the perks of abandoning your ancestral heathen cult and adopting a desert religion. The Gulasians had been worshiping Shams and his subordinates for about two centuries when the first convert to this alien faith - a king by the name of Kakhar I - invented the tradition of human sacrifice. He was also worshiped as a deity by his descendants. To keep the status of Kakhar I as a divine figure, the royal family had always shown great devotion towards the pretty girl search. Kings used to personally administer the search parties. But, as Kakhar II - the Gulasian emperor we are discussing - had grown old, he wanted his sons to perform the sacred duty in his stead.

    Thus, Kakhar's two sons, Hoz and Dajir - with Hoz being the firstborn while Dajir being the younger one - who were born ten years after each other - Hoz was forty years old - went to the north of Gulasia where the hottest babes on this goddamn planet lived.

    It took them one week to reach north. They had one complete month to find the girl and took her back to the palace where she would be prepared as a meal for their gods. The two princes were accompanied by two hundred guards and they were all provided with different facilities by the villagers they met in the way. Villagers let the kings-men sleep at their houses, eat their food and even take their animals with them because it was the religious obligation of the laymen to support the pretty girl search.

    When they reached north, they were informed by their reporters and detectives of the presence of a very pretty girl in the village of Khamosh. Khamosh was one of the most ancient of all Gulasian towns. Its residents were the most fervent of all enemies of Kakhar II and they fought for his father's sake even after the old man renounced the world. The people mostly grew marijuana. Opium fields would also be observable had the masters been careless. Opium was forbidden in their religion. It was the drug that made Shams kill his own mother and eat her heart out. Shams, as the holy scripture truthfully related, had prescribed human sacrificial tradition for his faithful ones to find out which one had the purest heart. The scripture promised that Shams would definitely cease to need to be worshiped if he found the purest of all hearts. How to check if the woman being sacrificed had the purest of all hearts? Well, the scripture told that she would never burn and that would indicate that Shams had gotten his price and we could stop killing people for his sake.

    The villagers of Khamosh watched silently as the soldiers first confirmed the virginity of their daughters. Then they asked them to stand up in line and let the princes confirm which were pretty and which were not. The princes judged fifty ladies but ruled against all of them. Each and every girl had scars of her face. So the search party had to abandon their search within the boundaries of Khamosh and prepare for the next stop in their journey. They planned to spend the night in the houses of the villagers.

    During the midnight, the young princes were disturbed in their sleep by some soldiers who claimed they had captured a family that was traveling through the village. It turned out that a family had lost its way while traveling to one of Gulasia's neighboring states. They had wandered off into Gulasia and desired to find their way into Al-Adman. The reason why the princes were refused a good night's rest was they had one young girl who seemed to embarrass moon in beauty and sun in radiance. She was such an attractive piece of ass that the two princes yelled with joy and mutually agreed to abandon the search and take the foreigners back to the palace.

    The soldiers told the foreigners that they were being transported to the boundaries of Gulasia where they would be handed over to the Azmanid security officers.

    The search party began its journey back home. The princes ordered that the foreigners must be given all facilities they required and warned them not to breath even a word regarding their only daughter's future destiny. The family consisted of the parents and their two children, the eldest one being the daughter Farmine and the youngest one being a boy.

    While they were traveling, some villagers reported of a mutiny that had exploded in the west. The soldiers decided that, as safety precautions, they must keep their treasure away from harm's way. So they deviated from their original route and changed course.

    Hoz and Dajir both were aware of their personal attraction towards Farmine, the lady who was to be burnt alive in less than thirty days. They cursed their stupid gods for requiring a virgin. They badly wanted to be with the pretty woman. All the women back home were ugly. They were either fat or bony. Farmine was the complete manifestation of the perfect woman they had always dreamed of.

    One night, they camped near a village that was inhabited by extremists and fundamentalists. They were greedy and savage people who even had no respect for the religion. They were afraid of the King's might. But, when they looked at Farmine, they became restless. The soldiers blatantly told the barbarians that the girl was meant for Shams, the mighty creator of the universe. But, in the middle of the night, Farmine was reported missing by his parents. The young princes personally swore to murder every single villager if they were found to be guilty of abduction. In the end, she was found bounded and gagged in a farmhouse. All the male villagers were publicly executed. They were sixty males. Their women and children were spared and divided between the soldiers. Dajir brought the girl back to her parents but, when he was supporting her on the horse, Hoz witnessed some inappropriate behavior and, afraid that his brother might make a move on the pretty Farmine, he scolded him privately and warned him against attempt over the foreign girl.

    Hoz tried not to stir any disturbance among the soldiers but Farmine succeeded in catching a glimpse of the young princes contesting verbally. She later thanked Hoz for defending her against Dajir but Hoz replied that she was a whore who desired attention of other men.

    During their way back from the slaughtered and now abandoned village, Farmine's boy caught in a fight with one of the soldiers. The soldier accused the boy of attempted robbery. The boy denied the allegation. Dajir wanted to execute the boy and he had grown resentful. He questioned the whole motive behind keeping Farmine and her family oblivious of the human sacrificial tradition. Hoz tried to make him realize it would cause bad effects of Farmine's health. The girl was not familiar of Gulasian customs and she could never even imagine she was being transported as a sacrificial goat, Hoz reasoned with his stubborn brother.

    While they were busy discussing when Farmine told everyone that she knew about the Gulasian sacrificial tradition. It shocked them all but they grew angry when she revealed that the soldier who had been fighting with her brother told her the truth while he was drunk back in the slayed village. The soldier was murdered at the spot and the foreigners were arrested. The parents seemed as if they had accepted their fate. They asked to be burnt alive with their daughter and their son made a soldier in the Gulasian army.

    Dajir wanted to execute the parents and the boy but Hoz intervened. He wanted to bring these adventurous incidents before the attention of Kakhar II, their father, the King. Hoz took the boy who was above eighteen in his personal custody. One night, he spotted Dajir in the tent of Farmine so he began to spent one night in her tent and the other in his own tent with the brother. He often asked himself what the hell he was trying to prove by protecting two people he barely knew and who were most likely going to be executed in less than thirty days. Then he realized he was pissed off at Dajir and just wanted to prove what a big brown a-hole he had been all along.

    When they ten miles away from the palace, their caravan was attacked by some bandits. They had began to act when the mutiny began in the west. Then they ditched the rebels and began robbing people off their wealth and women. The soldiers tried to trade their lives with the women and children they'd captured back at the slayed village. The barter was going well when somebody shot the bandit leader in the eye. He fell and the soldiers - who decided they better attack the bandits before finding out who was responsible for the arrow - piled upon the barbarians. Two soldiers were fighting with their faces covered. They killed several bandits. The princes asked them to show their faces and they were Farmine and her brother. Hoz, glad with their fighting skills, declared that Farmine's brother would be made his close comrade instead of being appointed just a petty soldier.

    They reached the palace with the delay of ten days. They had twenty days to burn Farmine alive. On her request, Hoz decided to spare the lives of her parents too. Then they reached the gates of the palace.

    Kakhar II judged the girl and nearly blew a high-pitched whistle when he examined her virginity. The priests all found the girl perfectly capable of serving as Shams' meal for that year. She was given three rooms in the palace, two for her own usage and one for her temporary slaves who would bathe her, cook for her, put oil and perfume on her body and massage her limbs to ease the tension she was expected to suffer while anticipating the big event. But Farmine showed no symptoms of anxiety. She simply had resigned to her fate.

    Although, she asked her slave-girls to let him meet Hoz on daily basis before she would be killed. The royal servants succeeded in convincing the prince to see Farmine. When the eldest prince entered her quarters, she was sitting provocatively on a bench with not another soul in sight. She demanded what she demanded but Hoz, like a perfect gentleman (or a complete moron) denied to become a part of her sacrilegious plot. She threatened to meet Dajir and offer him the same luxury she was offering him at that time. Hoz simply scoffed at her threats and went away. He informed the slave-girls of her threats and told them his plans.

    The next day, Farmine asked to see the younger prince. How could Dajir not be rejoiced at Farmine's demand? How could he not come? Again, the slut sat provocatively on her bench, scantily-clad, alone in her chamber when the gates opened and her guest entered. He had covered his face. Farmine asked him to come closer. He actually sat on her lap. She began to kiss his face-mask and uttered statements which no respectful women would ever articulate before a stranger. Then she lifted off the mask and emitted a shriek so loud that it made her brother jump off her lap and fall down on the Persian carper.

    When the guest showed himself out, the audience burst out laughing. They had all gathered outside her chamber. Dajir was later informed of the drama. He tried to contact her slave-girls and requested to meet Farmine but she refused further interactions with anyone.

    Finally, the day of the big event arrived. Farmine attempted suicide but her hands were tied to her back. She tried to bite her tongue but they forced her to consume alcohol which made her dizzy and she pissed in her chamber. So they had to clean her again. People took her to the stakes. She was roped up to a crucifix which represented Gulasians' worst enemies, the Christians, who worshiped Shams' arch-nemesis Yahweh as their most supreme deity and his supposed son Joshua as their savior. People gathered to see the very first non-Gulasian sacrifice to Shams. There were more than a hundred thousand spectators. All were clad in black clothes with two oppositely-directd triangles attached to their breasts. The priests chanted verses from the books written by their past scholars. Then scriptural passages were written down on the naked body of Farmine because it was forbidden in their religion to articulate even a single word from the holy book of Amot. They just wrote it down whenever and wherever they needed.

    Emperor Kakhar II, with his step-mothers, sons and daughter was seated and expected to watch the ceremony. They waited until the white beautiful body the nude woman was filled with ink and not a single spot of her actual natural color remained visible to the naked eye. Then the head priest - who was a bastard as no legitimately-born child can become the head priest because Shams' only son Qamar was also a bastard, son of the Mother Earth (Ard) - stepped forward with fire. But now you shall expect to read something unique that will change the course of our story. Well, two things happened.

    Farmine suddenly stood erect and declared that she had lost her virginity. The crowd first cheered but then booed when they realized she wasn't supposed to. Farmine next exposed that it was her brother who did that on her demand. Kakhar II was angry. He demanded an explanation of who the fuck let her brother see her privately. Farmine replied that she demanded to see Dajir but he, as a joke, sent her younger brother disguised as the young prince. Kakhar II immediately signaled to arrest Farmine's brother and Dajir. Dajir looked surprised but he controlled his anger, mastered his emotions and declared that Farmine was lying. She had planned to see her brother, accuse me of staging a theatre and then claim her brother had defiled him. It took some but then, when the security guards and other slave-girls, on King's orders, stepped up to check if she was lying, the cunt yielded and gave away. I accused my brother wrongly of incest, she told everyone. So, Kakhar II commanded to burn her as soon as possible. Otherwise, the Emperor whispered to his daughters, she will next accuse me of being the prettiest girl in town. The daughters hated when their father made stupid jokes about being a woman. He seems gay, they used to chatter, but is hardly capale to being one.

    Then Farmine was put on fire. The blazes seemed to kiss the heavens' ceiling. But Farmine began to scream and jumped down from the stake. She had somehow loosened the ropes. But, more interestingly, she was alive and unscathed! The fire had not burnt her. The whole crowd first booed but then remembered that they had finally found the price Shams had been asking them to bring. They had finally removed the curse. So they all cheered in unison. Hurrah to our lord Shams! Hurrah to Farmine! Hurrah to wine and pork!

    Emperor Kakhar II called his sons, Farmine and her brother to his room and congratulated them on a successful mission. But Farmine's brother had one more thing to reveal. Hoz is homosexual and he made several moves at me, he told everyone. Hoz seemed broken by the news. He accused Farmine's brother of being a traitor and of cheating on him. In Gulasia, homosexuality was not a crime but, for a member of the royal blood, it was; the punishment for royal homos was death. The King ordered his guards to put Hoz in the prison.

    Farmine and her family members were allowed to stay in the palace as long as they wanted.

    So, do you think this is the end of the story? Well, of course, it is not the end. There have been many unanswered questions. What happened to Hoz? How did Farmine escape the stakes? Who were rebelling against Kakhar II? As for the last question, the rebels belonged to a deviant school within Gulasian paganism and they had emerged victorious in several Gulasian provinces. It was just a matter of days when they would approach the palace.

    Emperor Kakhar II had organized his soldiers to defend the royal family. The residents of the capital town were asked to prepare for a lengthy battle against the heterodox schools of thought within their sacred and purified religion. Then a rumor was spread among the citizens that the rebels were being controlled by another member of the royal family, by a distant cousin of Kakhar II. It is surely my stupid father, Kakhar II believed and proclaimed to anyone who cared to listen. People were worried because they had shown disloyalty to the King's father and they were afraid that he would avenge his dishonor by murdering every single of their sorry asses. At last, the rebels circled the capital town and demanded the King to surrender before the rightful emperor of the Gulasian Dynasty. They had five out of six provinces in their control. The two provinces were distant and failed to send any help to the center. The people had converted to a more communist version of their old pagan customs.

    The King refused to bow down before dishonor and vowed to fight till death. Now something dramatic happened. Dajir asked his father's permission to go and negotiate with the rebels. The King was disheartened as the prospect of the prince being held in ransom but there was no other choice. Even if he dies, I have another one - and a gay one - in prison, the Emperor self-suggested. So, Dajir went outside the gate to negotiate with the rebels. But he never returned from the gate he'd entered. Instead, he led the rebels the backdoor to the town and the rebels succeeded in capturing the city. The houses were put on fire. People were being beheaded and Dajir, the son of Kakhar II - who was certainly then the deposed and dishonored king - was the sole authority over the rebels. He picked up five rebels and showed himself before his father. Kakhar II asked when he appointed himself the King. Dajir replied that he wasn't the rightful emperor of Gulasia. Our actual leader is sitting right by your side, he pointed towards Farmine.

    Farmine declared that she was the woman who had been controlling the rebels all along. Even the barbarians who were slayen right before her eyes, were his most faithful followers. She had been controlling the minds of the Gulasians disguised as the human incarnation of Shmas' mother and her escape from the stakes would prove her status as a divine being. She also revealed that the entire heteredoxy was a ruse, they actually wanted to seize the throne so Dajir and Farmine met up and hit upon a plan long before they were to find her as a foreigner.

    King asked how Dajir had known Farmine. Dajir told him that Farmine had contacted him declaring that she was the sister of Kakhar II. She was conceived when Kakhar II's father renounced the world, went into the jungles and met a woman who served him until his death. Dajir actually went into the forests to find the whereabouts of his grandfather but met Farmine who answered his every question regarding Kakhar II's dad and proved that she actually knew the old emperor.

    The King asked how Farmine had escaped her death. Dajir told that he had administered fire-resistant chemicals into the ink they used to write on her body. The fire burnt the ropes and began to lick up the ink. It granted the woman enough time to escape the stake and jump out of the hell.

    Dajir gave his father one day to prepare for his death and then he would marry Farmine and rule as the queen consort. Kakhar II returned to his chamber. But, late in the night, he escaped his heavily-guarded room from a secret chamber he had built by his own hands during his youth to escape the palace and hook up with his friends - mostly male so you can guess why. He reached the prison where the guards recognized him. He pleaded them to let Hoz escape to safety. They respected him - he had appointed only his most trusted employees to guard the prison where he would detain his most treacherous enemies - so they let the eldest prince go. Hoz did not know why he was being released. The prison just told him, "Run the fuck outta here, you motherfucking faggot!" Hoz scampered away.

    Then the King asked his guards to help him set the whole palace on fire. They bade with farewell with tearful eyes. Kakhar II turned into ashes in a matter of seconds along with most of his family. Dajir and Farmine obviously survived. But the whereabouts of her brother were unknown.

    From that momemt on, Farmine was crowned as the first queen in the history of Gulasia. The first order she issued was the beheading of Dajir on the allegation of her brother's assassination. The remains of her brother were found later in a gutter. He had been strangled to death, not by beheading, as Dajir was accused of. Before Dajir was executed, Farmine revealed that she was one of Dajir's grandfather's concubines and her brother was one of the old perv's puny servants.

    Queen Farmine ruled the country for thirty years and then died of a heart attack. Some say she died the same way Queen Catherine of Russia died.